I am not supposed to miss you

Not supposed to think about you

not supposed to look for you when I wake up each morning.

I am not supposed to long for those weird conversations we used to have.

Not supposed to wish, I'd be sharing a funny moment with you.

I am gonna miss the long afternoons

the endless conversations, over junk food, soda, bottles of alcohol and your cigarettes are meant to stay in the past.

the laughs we used to share are memories that always be on my mind.

April 7, 2007. 11:43 pm, philippine time.

as a second installment of my blog entry i have been wanting to explain my thoughts on the upper part of this entry, but really thinking about it I just can't.

This is what happens to me when I want to tell a lot of things to people, but decide not to. I decide not to tell them for several reasons, but all of them boil down to one thing: FEAR.

 Many people live in FEAR. I do. I'd like to think that I am brave but I'm really not.

Getting hurt scares the hell out of me, more than the supernatural, more than death even.  

Gathering up whatever courage i have, and with the pseudo anonymity this blog is giving me. Here's what I want to tell you.

 thanks for the friendship. the fun, the laughter, the endless amount of alcohol streaming through our bloodstreams while we talk unendlessly of nonsense.....

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then i stop, thinking about what you might think of me when (if ever) you get to read this.

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basta, thanks for everything. that's all i want to say, FOR NOW.  

I guess i got tired of a black layout, so here's a green one. haha. whatev,

i have nothing good to write besides the fact that i miss a certain person and can't seem to gather up the courage to tell that person that i miss him. howell.

• you know what i wish for? i wish that just once people wouldn't act like the cliches that they are.
• i hate the fact that there a lot of people who care and love you, and a few of them could really understand you.
• i'd like to thing that you care for me, but do you? really? the other night you did, or least i'd like to think you did, or were my words to incomprehensible for you? i know you never took me seriously, i was always just a friend to you. and i'm fine with that status (or at least i'd like to pretend i'm fine with it). i don't understand why i have to shut you out, everytime you begin showing tiny inklings of concern. actually, i do understand that, i know i am scared of getting hurt.
• fuck the world and everything that moves with it because it left me behind
• can i not live in a world where everyone knows what they want to do?
• i want to feel alive, help me, i am numb.
• you know why people are so afraid of love, because most of them got hurt the first time the fell in love.
• if happiness is just around the corner then maybe i am going around in circles.
• why do i shut people out?
• am i shutting people out?
• i am tired of living my life. can i try somebody else's?
• Did GOD put me on Hold?
• do i mean more to you that just another notch in your bedpost? (haha, nakakatawa, parang linya yan ng kanta. nalimutan ko na kung kanino ko to napulot eh, nagstick lang sa akin)
  
• would you scream with me if i needed to tell the world to wait for me?
• wait for me, please?
• can i be happy when everything else around me is crumbling down?
• and if everything around me crumbles, which piece do i pick up first?

okay, I am shutting up now. no one will ever get this.

Tara, okrayin natin horoscope ko...

1. Throughout this coming month, there is another possible influence you may feel that could be quite intriguing. You may experience unusual hunches that turn out to be right on. You may have a feeling of deja-vu, or you may feel like you are picking up psychic messages from a friend who is miles away. You might even receive a message in your subconscious, perhaps through a dream, from a long lost friend, or from a relative, such as your great, great grandmother whom you never met. With many planets in your eighth house, pay attention to any message you receive and try to figure out how that person is trying to protect you. HAHAHAHAHA, relate ko sa event sa month na to? I was thinking of someone and then I recieved a text message from that person! hahahahaha..
2. If you are single and dating, you will be in luck. New admirers flow into your sphere at bewildering speeds. It will be an exciting feeling to be so popular, especially as compared to your social life last year - probably dreary by comparison.
   
   In your case, there's one word of caution: You may feel pressured by one certain person to push the relationship forward a bit more quickly than you might be ready for. Or, you may feel you need to be more affectionate than you feel ready to be, especially near March 17 - 19. I actually got to read another horoscope from another source and it said that pursuing a person is a no-no this month, and that I should wait until the end of the month.... NAMAN... SINO BA KASI YUN? hahahahaha. hahaha... I wish... I wish IKAW YUN... HAHA.. SINO KA NGA PALA? (Pero, kung siya nga, saya ko!)
3. Most romantic evenings: March 1, 20, 23 - 24, and 27 - 28 ->>> STILL WITH THE "END OF THE MONTH THEME"... FINE, i'll wait! but who the hell am i waiting for?
4. Listen to your heart and don't do anything you feel is either inappropriate or done too soon. The last thing you need to do is get more involved with someone than you ever intended, especially with so many fish in the sea, all swimming in your direction. You will have many choices - keep that point in mind in this season so ripe for love!
   alam ko na future ko!!!!!! MANGINGISDA... HAHAHAHAHA..

hahaha, see? this is what stress does to me! hahaha... i'm kidding, i actually like making fun of myself, so that things won't be really hard ya know? labo... di ko rin nagets yung sinabi ko.. basta... ganun na yun...